Cross that one off my bucket list . . .

There's an awesome underwater cave up in Logan, Utah called Ricks Spring.

That dark blue patch in the spring above is the entrance to the underwater cave, which has been explored up to 2200 feet down and contains incredible stalagmites and even an underground waterfall. 

Since I first learned of the cave's existence a few years ago, it has been on my bucket list to explore that cave.  And I can now say that I am crossing that one off my bucket list.

Not because I actually explored it though.  Nope - rather, it's because I found this video a couple of divers made as they were exploring it.  I got about five minutes into it when I became aware of a strange thing happening - I suddenly and inexplicably felt sick to my stomach and very claustrophobic.  It took me a minute to realize it because the sensations were not ones that I am very familiar with, but then it hit me that the physical queasiness and shakiness I was feeling were a direct result of one emotion:  fear.   

I know that I seem utterly fearless and adventurous most of the time.  I certainly have never been afraid of caves before.  But apparently underwater caves scare me to death - who knew?  Guess I'll be crossing that one off the bucket list for good . . . 

But for any of you that are braver than I am, here's the video that had such a dramatic impact on me.

http://www.wendellnope.com/ricks20091010small.wmv

Is it just me?  Did anyone else get all nervous watching this?

Happy Birthday!!

To my dear little sister

I love being your sister.  

I love all the adventures we've shared over the years . . . 

And we've had quite a few

I loved growing up with you.  

You were the best and cutest little sister.

I loved the hours I spent playing with my best friend every day.  

But even more I love being grown up with you.  

You have become a beautiful, smart, fun, and extremely talented woman.

I'm excited for you and the fun age at you're at, and I can't wait to see what the future holds for you.

I love you and wish you all the very best on your birthday!

YES!!

Or, in other words, the short and illustrated story of how Marc and I took a giant leap toward the land of marriagedom.

On Saturday, Marc and I decided to take a hike up to Grandeur Peak.  We listened to General Conference all the way up and stopped to take pictures and generally had a good time.

We had gone ring shopping several weeks earlier, but had only decided on a ring on Wednesday, and I thought it would take a while to actually get the ring.  Plus, Marc had told me that he was going to fake me out at every possible opportunity before he actually proposed.  So in sum:  I truly did not think he was going to propose that day - in fact, I bullied him about it several times on the way up.

We finally reached the top of the snow-covered peak, and I teased, "Aw, too bad there's another guy coming up the trail behind us - guess you can't propose today after all."

"Yep, guess I can't propose today.  Hey, want to take a picture of us at the top?"  And Marc set up his little tripod and we posed for the picture.

Or so I thought . . .



My very romantic reaction as he took out the ring and was preparing to get down on one knee in the snow was, "Are you punking me?"  I truly thought that he was teasing me, and that he'd even gone to all the effort of getting a ring box.  It was not until he opened it that I knew he was serious.

I said yes.

"True love isn't easy, but it must be fought for.  Because once you find it, it can never be replaced."

Marriage Blues

Disclaimer:  I didn't actually write the following thoughts - I found them online and they described how I've been feeling so perfectly that I just tweaked it a bit and changed the names and here you have it:  an insider's look into exactly how I'm feeling at the moment.

She is my favorite person on earth, and the one who I feel is most deserving of all of the happiness that life has to offer. I couldn't wish for anything better for her.  So why now, as the big day creeps closer do I feel so strange about it?

There’s a voice in my head that I just can’t shake: this is it. This is the end of something. What you have with Marg won’t ever be the same again.

This is not about jealousy or disappointment with my own life. I’m happy, no question about it. What it is, I think, is a dread that my beautiful, brilliant friend – and our beautiful, brilliant friendship – will change when Marg becomes somebody’s wife.

It happens. Just about every friend I’ve ever had who gets married has said as much.

“Oh, I really didn’t expect it to, but it does feel so ... different.”

“Better” is what they mean. Better than before, when you were all they had. And the real knife-in-the-back implication: better than what you’re left with, you poor, unmarried creature.

So it’s not really about that. I don’t mind that Mark takes my place in the car and at get-togethers (well, I do, but a manageable amount). What stings is that he’s taken my place at the comfort table as well. When Marg has a miserable day at work, it’s Mark who hears about it.

And well he should be; he’s going to be her husband, for goodness sake. But while that makes me genuinely happy for her, it has also disturbed the careful balance of our friendship. The thing is, I used to be that person for Marg. If Mark takes over that role (and, let’s face it, it is inevitable that he will), where does that leave me?

If she doesn’t come to me with her stuff, how am I supposed to go to her with mine? She won’t need me anymore, but I’ll still need her. And that’s where the problem comes in.

So, am I losing her? Why does it feel like I am?

Like most women in possession of half a dozen brain cells, I understand that I’m not really losing my best friend to marriage. I know that the blush of being a newlywed will wear off and that she’ll soon start coming to me again. Maybe not for everything that she used to, but probably for a few new things, too.

I know that our relationship will change and make room for Mark and their eventual offspring, and all of this will be OK.

I get all of this. But I still feel weird about it. It’s like she’s moving on to some new stage in life and I’m lacking the pass to cross with her. She’ll be a wife. And with that title will come all sorts of respect and responsibility. And if she’s all that, then what am I? What if all the stuff that has bonded us until now can no longer sustain us? What if it gets swallowed up by wifedom?

Go ahead and tell me it sounds ridiculous. I know it does. But for the past 10 years, Marg and I have been the primary witnesses to each other’s lives. We’ve had other friends and our families, of course – it’s not like we’re maladjusted – but we were each other’s rocks. Now she’s got a new rock, and I’m in a hard place.

In some weird way, all of the romantic, everlasting love that Mark gives Marg trivialises what we feel for each other. Friendship is the only sort of love that has no standing in society. It doesn’t grant you access to a hospital room.  It doesn’t make missing persons appeals on TV. It’s not an emergency contact number. As far as onlookers are concerned, as “just” a friend you’re on the sidelines. And that’s just not fair. I was there first. What about us? Is “us” now less important than “them”?

And then it dawns on me: not less important, but different.

So here’s the conclusion I’ve reached: friendship, just like the rest of life, is a constantly changing thing. Although the essence of what connects you may remain the same, the relationship will continue to reinvent and remould itself.

And you can’t freeze it in time at a supposed heyday, clinging to the shards like an old woman mourning the lost beauty of her youth. You can only embrace it, love it and move with it, celebrating each metaphorical laughter line along the way.

That’s the way not to be left behind as your friend moves on. Besides, it’s not just you who’s scared.

“When I get married, will you assume I’m always busy with Mark and stop inviting me to places?”

I told her of course not, but the fact is, I don’t know. It could happen. In fact, it probably should happen.

I can only promise Marg what I’ve always promised her – that I’ll always be there for her if she needs me, that while our friendship will change as a result of external forces in our lives, it will never disappear because of them.

She may have become someone’s wife, but she’s still my best friend – and even if she and I are the only two who understand how fundamental that is...well, that’s enough.

This time I've been pondering the mysteries of the universe

Last night I had an amazing spiritual experience.

Background:  Last Saturday I went through the temple for the first time to receive my endowment.  The temple is an amazing place and the experience I had there was definitely a positive one.  However, as I've been pondering over everything the last few days since then I kept feeling a sense of . . . well, disappointment, because I'd been hoping to gain more insights and personal revelation in the temple, yet I found that I had even more questions than answers after going through the first time.

However, last night I had an incredible dream, or rather, series of dreams.  I went to bed around midnight and I had a dream about the temple.  In the dream my eyes were opened and I received answers to many of my questions.  I woke up at the end of the dream and my mind was extremely clear and sharp.  I remember just pondering, taking it all in for several minutes, feeling overwhelmingly excited and joyful.  I fell back asleep and again, I dreamed of the temple and this time my eyes were opened further and I received more light and understanding.  Again I awoke at the end of the dream and simply pondered everything for several minutes, taking it all in and reveling in the knowledge.  Several more times I fell back asleep and received greater understanding and woke up and processed it before falling back asleep again.  The last time I woke up (early this morning)  my mind was completely and utterly at peace (something that maybe has never happened before in my life since I am ALWAYS pondering something) - all the mysteries of the universe had been revealed to me and I understood everything perfectly.  I was filled with utter joy and wonder and excitement over all my knowledge.  I fell easily back to sleep one last time, utterly content and filled with peace.

I don't remember what I dreamed about that last time, or if I even dreamed.  When my alarm went off and I awoke this morning I could no longer remember any of the details of any of the dreams.  However, I remember very distinctly waking up each time and the feelings that I had as I pondered the mysteries that were revealed - and that is enough for me.  I don't think I was meant to remember any of the details or mysteries of the universe . . . yet.  But I am content, simply knowing that they do exist, that they are at once complex and simple and logical and beautiful, and that one day I will once again know them.

A little bit more polished . . .

I was reflecting today on some experiences that I've had the last few years and I have decided to share some of those thoughts that I've had with you.  What I'm about to share is intensely personal and it's not something that anyone outside of a few extremely close friends and family members know, but I feel like the time is right to share this experience with you.

A few years ago I had an interesting experience which shook my testimony to the very core.  I had thought that my testimony was unshakeable, yet the ramifications of this experience struck at the very foundation of my testimony and brought it to its knees.  Within the span of about one week I underwent a total transformation from being completely solid in the gospel to being essentially an atheist.  I was legitimately about 97% sure that the church was not true and about 85% sure that the existence of a God was nothing more than wishful thinking on man's part.

This was easily the most devastating experience that I have ever had.  It is difficult to describe what it was like because unless you have experienced it yourself in such great contrast then you truly can't even begin to imagine it.  It wasn't just my belief system and way of life that was demolished, but my entire personal identity that was dissolved.  It is truly amazing how much of the person that you are, even down to the most miniscule belief, was formed by the principles that you have been taught your entire life.  If you take away those, what do you really have left?  In the weeks to come I found myself completely at a loss, unable to determine who I really was once everything else had been stripped away.  For example, was I really a compassionate person, or had I only been driven to serve others because of a selfish desire to achieve some greater reward someday?  If the moral guidelines that had been my foundation my entire life were based on false principles, then what was the premise for societal morals, and what moral structure was I bound to?  And what obligations did I have to myself and to my fellow man, if this life was nothing more than a passing chance in the universe, with nothing to follow?

These were only a few of the many questions that I wrestled with in the weeks, and eventually months, that followed.  Rebuilding my testimony was not easy, because I was extremely mistrusting and wary of being tricked.  Ultimately, I was praying so hard for an answer, yet I was unable to receive it because I was unwilling to open myself up and let the spirit back into my life to give me that answer.  One of the most surprising things to me is that the utter destruction of my rock solid testimony took less than one week, yet it took me the next year and a half to clear away the rubble, lay a fresh new foundation, and begin to build again.  Given the chance, though, would I go back and change that experience, painful and nearly devastating as it was, so that it never happened?  Would I trade my pristine old testimony for the new one that I have carefully rebuilt, brick by brick?  Not on your life.  I have learned more about myself, the nature of each member of the Godhead, the atonement of my Savior, and the meaning and purpose of this life than I ever could have discovered in a lifetime of never having doubts.  My faith is more real, my trust in my Savior more true, and my relationship with my Heavenly Father more deep than it ever could have been before.  My patience has increased, my empathy and understanding for others has magnified, and, having been knocked down to my knees, I'm a little bit more humbled than I was before.

The adversities, trials, and errors we make along the way are what shape us into the person that God intends for us to become.  We never know what we are really made of or what inner strength we possess until we are given a mountain to climb that pushes us to our limits.  And it is only through the tumult of the currents and being ground against other rocks that a rock ultimately becomes perfectly smooth and polished.

Hello Pinterest!

I am proud to announce that I have at last joined the Pinterest world.  I have always said that I would get a Pinterest account as soon as I got married and had a reason to make all the cutesy decorations and delicious recipes on there, but I recently discovered that Pinterest encompasses so much more than that - so why wait? 

I've only just gotten started with Pinterest, but I would highly recommend it to anyone.  You should at least check it out.  Below is a link to one of the board I created, which at times made me laugh so hard I nearly cried.  Feel free to check it out if you need a pick me up.

Pinterest Board: Laughing Out Loud

Patience, patience, patience

First off, I woke up this morning with this song in my head and I really like it.  Please enjoy while you read the rest of the post . . .



Okay, now down to business.  With the beginning of a new year I decided to start a new scripture study plan, where I focus on a different study material each day of the week (for example, Tues = Preach My Gospel, Wed = D&C, Thurs = Conference Talks, etc).  Friday is the day that I choose a specific topic and study it in depth.  I've decided that each week I'll select a different topic and create a "Mindmap" for that topic as I study it, so that theoretically by the end of the year I'll have a guide for a total of 52 different topics. Think of all the talk potential!  (Not that I'm wanting to give a talk, especially not 52 times ha ha).

I only just came up with the idea of creating a "Mindmap" each week so tonight I did my very first one, and it was so fun to make and much more enlightening than traditional scripture study that I thought I'd share the idea here in case anyone else was looking for a way to spice up their scripture study too.  Below is the one I created tonight - basically you just start with the main topic/idea and then as you study everything you can about it you create a free-flow "spiderweb" linking all the different ideas that you find together.  Pretty awesome, right?